Archive for the ‘rant’ Tag

A Fear Come True

petrified, horrified, terrified.

Random Observation/Comment #237: I’ve reduced my global status updates to weekday observations about work and recommendations to the really cool and geeky stuff I read when I get off work.  In my opinion (and many will argue if this is true or not), I’m giving some useful information and relatively staying on topic without flooding people with useless updates.  With this in mind, I feel there should be a limit to the number of updates some of my friends should be able to post.  It’s like the whole Mitch Hedberg idea of the car horn. “I wish I hadn’t seen Jimmy on the street!”

This will be the 4th post I’ve had after working for 7 weeks.  I find this lack of writing blasphemous! I had so many fun topics that I wanted to rant about, but they were somehow pushed aside by my overall lack of desire to do work outside of work.  I’ve brainwashed myself with the phrase, “Hey, I worked a 9-hour day in front of a computer – all I want to do is turn off.”  It’s everything I feared from working coming true.

Even though I have free nights for optimal coding and writing, I spend the bulk of this free time doing my old time-consuming crap that I told myself to stop due to un-productivity.  I’m not exactly sure why I want myself to be this well-oiled crazy working-machine, but I think it has something to do with the fact that this world is so damn-fascinating (or damn fascinating).  Whatever the motive, I find a certain bitter taste in my mouth about this decision.  I appreciate the praise from my parents who have become so thrilled that I’ve stopped my “useless travels around the world,” yet there is a side of me that feels like I am letting a small population of friends down.  My move towards finance and settling down is like Anakin Skywalker turning to the Dark Side.  Somehow, the power of money and greed has poisoned my desire to pursue education and capture the full extent of the world.

How did this happen?  What happened to “All is well?”  Where is that passion now?  I wish I could say it hasn’t taken a back seat, but it’s hard to fit it in between my winks of sleep.  I was fully aware that this move was a risk towards my metaphysical levels of freedom.  I can treat it as a learning experience to expand my knowledge of a working routine all I want, but at the end of the day, it’s just so different.  Was I supposed to feel overwhelming success and pride in representing the company or crossing off tasks?  Should I jump for joy because I did a good job writing documentation? I think there needs to be something more to keep me enthralled.  I’ve come up with the little things along the way, but maybe I need a big thing.  I need a new approach that will just revolutionize work.

Back in the day, my parents didn’t have a problem finding that goal – it was a sacrifice made from love for children and family that led them to keep working.  Maybe I can make the same sacrifice they made for me to let them discover the next phase.  Well, it may be true, but I don’t think shifting dreams back and forth should be the driving force. We’re not living on a see-saw – I want to see the arrow or web or huge matrix – Whatever it is.

I guess I don’t want to just treat a job as a source of income – I want to treat it as an adventure.  It’s the whole idea of finding a career and specializing in something that you’re good at which should be a driving force, right? And if what you’re good at is in high demand, and you get really good at it along some crazy coin-collecting route towards a level-up, then I think success will follow.

Although I still have an inconsistency with my current plan: What is this finance thing, again?  I don’t know anymore: It’s just a part of the adventure.  If my life is a book, I can’t wait for the chapter where I lose my mind and live on an island with fiber optics.  I’d just do stuff for free and pick up star-gazing again.  Hey, look: a new dream to add to the list.

~See Lemons Avoid a Routine

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Productivity Bar

it makes sense...

it makes sense...

Random Observation/Comment #204: This soul searching business is wearing me out.  I’ve written and thought so much about each subject methodically, yet I can’t make a solid decision.  Every damn methodical and calculated approach has been used, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere (Where you goin’? – Nowhere).  If I really had a passion for this thing (whatever this thing is), shouldn’t the answer be obvious?  Maybe I just want to always continue soul-searching as an excuse to travel and prolong my final decision.  Can I have a career in soul searching?

I’ve come to the conclusion that my twisted version of productivity and efficiency sets an invisible bar for my happiness.  It has only happened recently, but I feel like the energy has been sucked from the marrow of my bones and all my muscles just mush with no will to do what I know I must.

This requires some background on my methods of productivity. When I was taking my large course-load at Cooper, I always found that there was one class that fell into a downward spiral of neglect.  This class would actually act as my cushion and motivation to do other work because the assignments were so dreadful that I rather quickly do all the other stuff and leave this one for last.  In most cases, it was some type of physics class or a class that involved the less hands-on projects and more of the abstract hand-waving that I would probably never realistically use.

Anyway, this odd method worked extremely well in the mindset and cluttered life of deadlines from a year ago, but the past few months has seemingly foiled my plans.  I’ve changed to a different structure that requires a different approach.  Some work still gets pushed aside while others are finished first, but the choice of the hindered subject seems to edge towards the path of most resistance, which incidentally is the much more important path.  As hobbies have suffered in the past, I now find these flickers of enjoyment to be essential in my life.

In no way is this vacation lacking all the ingredients for happiness, but something pecks – nay, it tickles – at my brain to the point where it’s passed the line of “haha” and tip-toed towards “blahahaha I feel like my insides are going to explode from uncontrollable laughter. Continue and I will kick you in the face.”  I’ve become slightly annoyed at myself that I don’t meet the deadlines I set even though I have full days with only a handful of tasks.  This wave of laziness from the summer weather and random distractions just mucks with my mind.  I’m befuddled at how little I get done and then I fall deeper into completing tasks for volume instead of necessity.

That bar was set so high, and now I’m degraded to lower it slowly without any apparent consequence.  It’s, as if, I’m falling into a lull of mindless activities – and, hopefully, it’s just a lull.  Even this blog slipped and just floated into a background obligation.  It seems I’ve manifested problems where they shouldn’t exist.  I thought my search was supposed to be simpler.

~See Lemons Defragment

Writing for You or Writing for Me?

Confusion

Confusion

Random Observation/Comment #203: I seem to make more interesting observations and comments in my twitter feed.  They are definitely more succinct and directly relate to my everyday life.  I’m tempted to remove this section, but I really like how I’m keeping track of the posts with the comment numbers.

Ever since I’ve started writing, I’ve been trying to cling on to some type of purpose behind my entries for sanity and time efficiency reasons.  After a little more than a year, I’ve found that I have no idea what I’m actually writing about.  I’ve veered off topic so many times that it just jumbles between traveling and careers and just randomness.  And, even though there are multiple cases where I’ve tried desperately to find some coordination and path, I simply just forgot about the nice structure one arbitrary day and reverted to writing what comes to mind about my current situations.

It was on such a day (the ones where you feel like your memory has been wiped) that I bombarded myself with a slew of questions: Do I really want to write about the little details of my crazy adventures, or do I want to share my opinion and impressions about each place I’ve visited to help others make a choice?  Would people rather read about my version of a Wikipedia article on each city I’ve visited, or should I just write some ridiculous story?  Is the advice I draw from my experiences the value or are the experiences themselves more entertaining?  Should I make my conclusions or should I leave it open to interpretation?  Am I slowly becoming more humanities and losing track of my engineering straight-forwardness?

I found that these questions flooded my mind for one particular underlying reason.  I subconsciously felt that my writing was no longer for myself, but rather to please an audience of eyes.  Even though I may never see their faces or see un-typed responses, I have created my own stage.  It’s the stage in where you look out and you’re blinded by the spotlight.  It’s basically the spewing of some type of information to silhouettes.  I’d be happy thinking this way if I felt this was the purpose I wanted to portray, but I’m torn about the idea of “selling out.”  It’s not like I’m making money off of writing any of this – I’m really just trying to find myself and share these experiences with those who are interested.  But, the idea of shaping my personal reward and gratification on the basis of an invisible crowd just makes me feel slightly mad.

So my dilemma is that I’m stuck in this middle state between committing to an audience-based blog or a personal one.   I honestly fear both to their extremities.  I’ve definitely enjoyed writing in this free-flowingly manner to some fictional reader (or just another voice in my head).  However, my deepest reflections are still maintained in something separate and I’m reluctant to pull these confused moments into my posted writings.  I could write about topics that can easily gain trends and try to increase my viewers, but would I begin to lose my personality?  To put it a different way, am I more happy writing about my life so I could relive it or so I could share it and have others (possibly) benefit?  One I have some level of certainty and the other is in the shadow – somehow I just don’t know which is which.

Let’s try again: How do I explain this blog? Why do I continue if I’m starting to feel an invisible obligation that begins to interfere with my real world?  Each document has become my canvas to paint the confusions and battle the multitude of plausible views to – with any luck – come to a respectable decision or conclusion about my own character.  The interesting part is that I depend on it to work out the problems that are created by this same solution.  It makes me wonder if these problems would stop arising if I just didn’t write about them.  Hell – why not just stop thinking all-together?

~See Lemons Write for We?

PS – As I read back, it seems the painting on this canvas most closely resembles modern art.